Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

The Dark Side Of Women..............................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding

the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in

the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent

when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been

in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and

that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was

leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.. She

decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip

with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of

the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the

hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's

condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and

finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your

husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well

you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last

shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require

round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[Guest XR09]

MY NEW GOLF BOOK

I have recently completed work on my latest book on golf and am quite proud

of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and

family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider

information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a

Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter cool How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes the latest GOLF TERMS

* A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

* A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer

* A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

* A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

* A Cuban - needs one more revolution

* An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

* An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

* A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

* A Kate Winslett - a bit flat but otherwise perfect

* A Kate Moss - bit thin

* A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

* A Rodney King - over-clubbed

* An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

* A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

* A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

* A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

* An elephant's arse - high and sh*tty

* A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

* A circus tent - a BIG top

* A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you

don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my

expertise . .

It would be greatly appreciated if you could affix this promo to your club

noticeboard

[dre]

the same joke is a few posts up^^^^

[Corzza]

Adult Scrabble...

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.

P N E S I

People who wrote SPINE became doctors...

The rest are all my friends...

[pkooistra]

Seen in local paper's "readers sales" section.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.

45 Volumes. Excellent condition.

1000 or best offer.

Reason for sale:- No longer required.

Got married last weekend.

Wife knows f**king everything.

[Rossnall]

Oldie but still a goodie!

[Corzza]

Stolen Car

Several days ago as I left a meeting; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down.. I was looking for my keys and discovered they were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all... "Honey," I stammered, I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. "Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman I Didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years.

[Corzza]

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

[Guest XR09]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

> Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question..'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move..

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

Now what the F*ck would you have said?

[Corzza]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my local member about Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. It's not my fault, they need to make their instructions to us seniors, a little clearer!