Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Good one fellas!

[Corzza]

Dividing Pecan Nuts

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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[Corzza]

Love the Irish

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[Rossnall]

Google Nigeria

[Guest XR09]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his

sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Se

.

x with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free se

.

x. The

owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed

correctly, he would get his free se

.

x. Paddy guessed 8, and the

proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No s

.

ex

this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for

another fill-up. Again he asked for his free s

.

ex. The proprietor

again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct

number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were

close, but no free se

.

x this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, '

I

think that game

is rigged and he doesn't really give away free se

.

x at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough

Mick. My wife won twice last week.'

[sexual harrassment panda]

[Guest XR09]

A boy comes home from school at 7 pm, His dad says "where were you?”

"I was with Jessica." He replied.

"What were you doing?"

"We were revising."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are lovely."

Dad replies "Wash your hands son; they're donuts."

[Corzza]

Dear Friends,

I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 40+ years of experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8 )How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

Ø A Diego Mara donna - a nasty 5 footer

Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution

Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin

Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

Ø A Rodney King - over- clubbed

Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

Ø A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

Ø A condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Ø A sister-in-law - up there but I know I shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.....

Edited 21/05/12 09:55 PM by Corzza

[adie]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, poop!"

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most workshops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the dustbin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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