Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to

take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way.... but was

very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the

highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on

prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then,

maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of

shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile,

"Little lady, ya'll just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps,

determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is

driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman

standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then,

he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning

speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls

it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead

creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed

silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she

shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

[ktford]

Well done hoon LOL

Scotty CCC

[Falchoon]

There was an international beer convention going on, and the owners of Cascade, Coopers, Tooheys and Carlton are all there. They all decide to go to lunch together and have a chat.

When they arrive the waitress asks, "What do you want to drink?"

The owner of Carlton goes, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, thanks."

The owner of Coopers says, "I'll have a Coopers Pale Ale."

The owner of Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade Premium Lager."

Then when it's the owner of Tooheys turn he says, "I'll have a Coke."

Then the owners of the other breweries look at him as if he had grown another head.

So the owner of Tooheys says, "If you guys aren't having beer, then I guess I shouldn't either."

[Macktheknife]

There was an international beer convention going on, and the owners of Cascade, Coopers, Tooheys and Carlton are all there. They all decide to go to lunch together and have a chat.

When they arrive the waitress asks, "What do you want to drink?"

The owner of Carlton goes, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, thanks."

The owner of Coopers says, "I'll have a Coopers Pale Ale."

The owner of Cascade says, "I'll have a Cascade Premium Lager."

Then when it's the owner of Tooheys turn he says, "I'll have a Coke."

Then the owners of the other breweries look at him as if he had grown another head.

So the owner of Tooheys says, "If you guys aren't having beer, then I guess I shouldn't either."

Macka....Rollin round the floor laughing like a drain

[tab]

Sorry about the length, but I got this at work today and thought I best share it.

Mental note - don't mention number 39 to your female collegues at "that" time of the month, it doesn't go down very well at all suprisingly!

Trent.

- Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t .

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of

view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[aniken]

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they

did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[aniken]

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work. "

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house!!

[aniken]

From: Bin Laden, Osama

To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: From The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation

.

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Fifth: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Sixth: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.

[pym]

That's a classic

[ktford]

3 rippers in a row Aniken

Scotty CCC