Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches

into a chemists store. Very carefully he opens his sporran

and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,

unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief,

which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.

“Six pence,” says the chemist.

“How much for a new one?”

“Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the

silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana,

replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches

out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great

shout go up outside, followed by an even greater

shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the

chemists store and addresses the pharmacist,

this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.

“We’ll have a new one.”

[Corzza]

The deaf Italian bookkeeper:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out

of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first

place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to

testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he

takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer

tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask

him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido

signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried

behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the

trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers ...

[Corzza]

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year !

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to our friends and

colleagues, but it is difficult these days to know exactly what to say

without offending someone. So I met with my solicitor and crisis counsellor

yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept with no obligation , implied or implicit , my best wishes for

an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non addictive , gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically

uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar

year 2012 , but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour,

age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely

transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no

promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/ him

or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole

discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected

within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or

until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act ) and partner , and the 2 offspring of said

liasion , not meaning to imply offence at those same-sex relationships

which may not yet have devised methodology to procreate .

xxxx

(This warm term of endearment is not to be confused with any brand of

lager, nor is it to imply that the

Qld. brand of lager is in any way superior or preferential to any other

brand of lager)

[Panda Eyes]

Lol, where do you manage to get this endless stream from Corzza?

its called the internet dude.....

[ford_boy4l]

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?

You look awful!

He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

Edited 28/12/11 02:13 AM by ford_boy4l

[ford_boy4l]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was

nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the

Envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Mum,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to Elope

with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene With Dad and

you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos,

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,

and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt

anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other

people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids, so

Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.

Love,

your son Nicholas.

P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[ford_boy4l]

And best for last...

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[Howsee]

Hahahahahhaha

[Corzza]

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice guy I am, I thought :

"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again!

[Corzza]

This is the story of the blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just

the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is

dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the

tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've

had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax.

Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . .

Who art in Heaven. . . .."