Joke Of The Day

[SuckSqueezeBangBlow]

Barry and his new Thai bride begin to consummate their new marriage.

She starts by stroking his pen*s. After about 10 minutes, he says "you look like you are really enjoying that"

she says "no, I just miss mine"

[Howsee]

Where does a 600 pound gorilla sleep???

Wherever he f*cking feels like!!!

[Corzza]

An Australian man was having a coffee and

croissants with butter and jam in a cafe

when an American tourist, chewing gum,

sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American,

who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,

'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being

bothered during his breakfast, and replied,

'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.

In the States, we only eat what's inside.

The crusts we collect in a container,

recycle them, transform them into

croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with

your bread?' Sighing, the Australian

replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the

American said, 'we don't. In the States,

we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we

put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers

in containers, recycle them, transform them

into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex

in the States?' The American smiled and said

'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned

closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do

with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a

container, recycle them, melt them down

into chewing gum and sell them to the

United States .

Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

[Corzza]

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise, NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME..."

[Corzza]

why is life so complicated ?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a

nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that

long?"

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that

I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, the car.. Always something more

important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

women are just so sensitive

[Howsee]

Loving this thread!!!

Edited 13/12/11 09:56 PM by Howsee

[Corzza]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with

him."

[dramatic pause]

"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They

lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. "

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them

tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll

stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful

princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you

kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,

but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Corzza]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[PookeyMaster]

Lol, these are good.

[Corzza]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered. 'The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fu@k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!