Joke Of The Day

[Guest XR09]

My best rugby moment:

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. ..

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.

The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[Corzza]

A tough looking group of bikers was riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?""I'm going to commit suicide," she says

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she'd finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting.You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."

[Corzza]

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their

decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,

and on

the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes.

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's

disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents gift

list..."

[quadie]

Policeman pulls over young p plater for slow driving

Policeman walks over to the vechile noticing a bong on the seat

Police officer : your bong son

Young man : nahh , just had one

[Corzza]

A woman asks her husband,"Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines,"Thanks for asking,but I'm not hungry right now.I think it's this Viagra taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked again if he would like something,"A bowl of soup, homemade cake, or maybe a cheese sandwich?"

"No thanks - I'm still not hungry," he says.

Come dinnertime, she again asks if he wants anything to eat,"Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again,"No,"he says,"it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says,"would you mind letting me get up? - I'm starving"!!!!

[Corzza]

The Twelve days of Microsoft

On the 1st day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: Windows Vista for my PC

On the 2nd day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 3rd day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 4th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 5th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 6th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 7th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 8th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 8 Stacks overflowin’, 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 9th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Stacks overflowin’, 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 10th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 10 Are you sures, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Stacks overflowin’, 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 11th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 11 Illegal operations, 10 Are you sures, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Stacks overflowin’, 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC

On the 12th day of Microsoft, my true love gave to me: 12 BSODs, 11 Illegal operations, 10 Are you sures, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Stacks overflowin’, 7 files missin', 6 IRQs conflictin’, 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows Vista for my PC!

[Corzza]

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre

spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across

another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor

and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to

warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city

slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he

responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can

handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and

asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The

man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

[Corzza]

My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the first exhibits we

stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and

there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .......Smiled and said, 'He

mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice!

a week ! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,

in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,

'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,

'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

[Corzza]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

[Corzza]

Two indigenous Australians were driving their old

Ford Falcon in the outback recently, when off in the distance they saw a police "booze bus".

Rather than trying to avoid it, the driver headed straight for it. As they pulled up, the driver wound his window down and said 'G'day, brudder! Two cans of Emu Export, thanks!'

The copper glared at him and said 'You must be drunk!

Get out of the car and blow into this tube!'

The driver said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that,

I got a letter from the doctor saying I'm asthmatic

And I'll pass out if I blow in that.'

The cop smirked and said 'OK - in that case,

We require you to give a blood sample.'

'Nah, nah - sorry, boss,' replied the driver.

'Can't be doin' that. Got a letter from the Red Cross sayin' I'm a haemophiliac, and I could bleed to death if I gavea blood sample.

Sorry, boss, can't do that!'

By now the copper was getting very irate, and so he demanded that the driver provide a urine sample for testing.

The driver shook his head and said

'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'

The copper protested 'Surely you haven't got a letter for that!!!'

'Bloody oath, mate!' says the driver,

'It's from Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of this lovely

Country of Australia - she's apologised, and says that

You whitefellas can't take the piss out of us blackfellas no more!