Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6FG]

Dear Australian Laborites, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Gillard, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course. Our two ideological sides of Australia cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so

let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion.

That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the ACTU, the Fabian Society and every member of Emily’s List.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep the ABC left wingers (particularly Kerry O'Brien) and Bob Brown. You are, however, responsible for finding an electric vehicle big enough to move all of them.

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Woolworths and the Stock Exchange. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, dole bludgers, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and boat people. We'll keep the budgie smuggling, bike riding, volunteer firemen and lifesavers, greedy CEOs and rednecks.

We'll keep the Bibles and the churches and give you SBS and the Greens. You can make peace with Iran, Palestine and the Taliban and we'll retain the right to stand up and fight when threatened. You can have the greenies and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam,

Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Penny Wong. You can also have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the 4WDs, utes and V8s. You can take every hybrid hatchback you can find. We'll keep "Waltzing Matilda" and our National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to keep in tune with Peter Garrett as he sings "Imagine", "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing", "Kum Ba Ya", "We Are The World" and his recent big solo hit “Beds and Batts are Burning”.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Since it so often offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like-minded conservative Australians and if you do not agree, just hit delete.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely, John Wall

Australian Law Student

P.S. Also, please take JULIA, Wayne Swan, Alan Griffin, John Faulkner, Kevin Rudd and Jenny Macklin with you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

[Corzza]

My wife rang me on my mobile today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

"Can you remember that jewellery shop we looked in on Saturday?" I asked. "The one that had those earrings you really liked in the window."

"Yes," she said, in a much more cheerful tone.

"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[Corzza]

SPOONERISM.... When you swop the 1st letters with the first and second words!

BUCKING FRILLIANT!!!!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker

could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many

takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try

getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting

your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella

worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters

were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was

called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty

sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the

ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her

name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned

a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy

ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told

Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking

falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"

said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks, so

dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince

knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let

off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince..

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on

both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and

it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny!

Edited 27/09/11 09:26 PM by Corzza

[Panda Eyes]

that made me lol a coupla times...

[Corzza]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kilos

The average man's pen*s is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Corzza]

Murphy and Mary decided to try a 69 but Murphy's never done one before. So Mary says I'll show you.

She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him, as she lowers herself she farts, apologizing she tries again, but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms away yelling I'll be f@cked if I'm hanging around for another 67 of them!!!

[Corzza]

Blonde Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the

contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been

completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,

that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung

up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!

[Corzza]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Corzza]

An Indian goes to Woolworth's in Australia.

He finds cat food at special prices.

He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.

He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworth's with a bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out.

He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell ! This is (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent), you Idiot !"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"

[Corzza]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago without her knowledge.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.