Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their guns down through the

family?

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I

wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so

you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns...How about you leave me your

Rolexwatch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna

have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of

bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed

with another man."

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, times-up."

[Corzza]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it had been so horrendously genetically modified in a lab that it had taken on almost human-like intelligence. Growing up in the lab, among hippy scientists and political idealists talking about the socialist revolution and liberation he thought one day, one day, he would have his freedom. Later that year, in an act of civil defiance within the chicken coop, he refused to eat the chicken feed alloted to him. As the scientist opened the cage to seize the dissident chicken, he pecked him in the eye and liberated his brothers and sisters. However, the real world was not what the chicken had expected. The rampant commercialism he saw upon his release disillusioned the young chicken to the extent that he decided to take his own life. Rising in the morning, at his usual time of 6 a.m., he leaned over and kissed his wife delicately upon the cheek, a solitary tear running down his eye as he imagined the child he knew he would never meet. The chicken stepped into the cold morning, the frost chafing his cheeks, the sleet crashing against his breast. Taking one step onto the busy dual-carriageway, he closed his eyes and imagined heaven....

[tab]

Puns for Educated Minds (I don't understand any of them)

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road .. . . and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Guest XR09]

Golf theory

LAW 1:

No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace

knowing that a sh*ttier one is yet to come. This law does not expire

on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend

over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2:

Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst

round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of

people you tell about the former.

LAW 3:

Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven

in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the

greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be

partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

LAW 4:

Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree

is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5:

The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself

as an instructor.

LAW 6:

A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your

group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a

football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS

agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 7:

All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother in Law does not come close.

LAW 8:

Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly

out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.

LAW 9:

The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to

what it really should be.

LAW 10:

Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 11:

All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

LAW 12:

Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot

is really the beginning of the next group of three.

LAW 13:

If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

LAW 14:

It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.

LAW 15:

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like

expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

LAW 16

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

LAW 17

It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

LAW 18:

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a

straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large

tree.

LAW 19:

You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch

90% of the time.

LAW 20:

Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double

or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

LAW 21:

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try

to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

LAW 22:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top

and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and

which one is wearing the glove.

LAW 23:

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

LAW 24:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

[Corzza]

You think English is easy??

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to

present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins

weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are

candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English

for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can

work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from

Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't

groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the

plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One

index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not

one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,

what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats

vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English

speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what

language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck

and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a

wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a

language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you

fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going

on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That

is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are

out, they are invisible.

[Corzza]

A Lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[Corzza]

Forgot my glasses ...

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

[Corzza]

Indian cab driver... If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll

love

this one...

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley

in

Brisbane.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He

made

no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman

before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be

proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing

then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to

myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"

[Corzza]

Scuse the language but I liked it!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't **** out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

[Corzza]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

—— Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.