Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees

that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at

least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks,

"What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are

the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "these are the

rules.

"So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10

which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.""Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that

tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."T

The man is stunned!

"I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says,

"Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight – then,

nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says,

"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Corzza]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university,

but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..

They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,

kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Corzza]

Julia Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Ma'am. Could you please show me your ID"?

Gillard: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes Ma'am, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque. Another time, Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Prime Minister?"

[Corzza]

A plane is on its way to Brisbane, when a blonde in

economy class gets up, and moves to the first class

section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks

to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy

class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m

going to Brisbane and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde

bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in

economy, and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to

explain that because she only paid for economy

she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m

going to Brisbane and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should

have the police waiting when they land to arrest

this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll

handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,

and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes

back to her seat in economy..

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and

asked him what he said to make her move without

any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Brisbane".

[RegSpec]

A man walked out into the street and hails a taxi going by , he gets into the taxi , and the taxi driver says , " Perfect timing , you're just like Brian ".

Passenger : " Who ? "

Taxi Driver : " Brian , he's a guy with perfect timing , like me coming along when you needed a taxi , things happen like that to Brian , every single time ".

Passenger : " Well , there are always a few clouds over everbody ".

Taxi Driver : " Not Brian , he was a terrific athlete , he could golf with the pros , he could have won the Grand Slam at tennis , he sang like an opera

baritone and danced like Fred Astaire , and you should have heard him play the piano , an amazing fellow ".

Passenger : " Sounds like he was something special ".

Taxi Driver : " Yeah , he had a memory like a computer , he remembered everybody's birthday , he knew all about wine , which foods to order , and

which fork to eat them with , he could fix anything , not like me , I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out , but Brian , he could do everything

right ".

Passenger : " Wow , some bloke then ".

Taxi Driver : " You're not kidding , he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams , not like me , I always seem to get stuck

in them , but Brian , he never made a mistake , and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good , he would never answer back

even if she was in the wrong , and his clothes were always immaculate , shoes highly polished too , he was a perfect man , he never made a

mistake , never ; No one could ever measure up to Brian ".

Passenger : " An amazing fellow , how did you meet him ".

Taxi Driver : " Well , I never actually met Brian , he died , I married his fcukin' widow ".

[Corzza]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said "

So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So whats the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?"

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.

But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here?

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[Corzza]

UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly

gentleman and an elderly lady

struck up a conversation and discovered that

they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed,

they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they

headed to the river to his fishing boat and

started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a

fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt

and pants and made mad passionate love to the man

right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe

what had just happened, but he had just experienced

the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the

river, when soon they came upon another fork in the

river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,

and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so

he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,

riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in

river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman

guided the boat down the river when he came upon

another fork in the river and he asked the

lady,’ Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked

you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.

Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing

my hearing aid and I thought the choices were

f&@k or drown...

[Corzza]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”

Today the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land to China !

Last night after reading the above and thinking about my retirement, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, etc . . . I felt so depressed, I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call-center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal they got very excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

[Corzza]

'Holy Prostitutes'

A man is driving down a deserted

stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his

eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his

imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that

these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF

PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and

he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone

building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the

bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along

the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on

this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long

habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs,

'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at

the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots

down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself

back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Corzza]

The fur lined gloves

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas

present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in

Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful

consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right

note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty

pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy

knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the

two items - the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the

knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with

the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when

we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have

chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which

are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from

showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I

hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them

even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to

wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no

doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you

again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit

because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming

year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded

down with a little bit of fur showing.