Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

From a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!

From a Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of βallergies'. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[Corzza]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment

had been to sell something, then give a talk on Productive Salesmanship. Little Sally led off:

"I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the

customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep

them up on current events."

"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash

on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to

make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and

gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh*t!"

Then I would say, "It is dog sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Federal Government approach of giving you something sh*tty for free,

and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[Corzza]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning to yer, sir "says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fook me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks or everything".

[Corzza]

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Corzza]

English Credit Card

[sexual harrassment panda]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take

his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

We didn't see a Single Tosser, Blind Bastard, f*ckwit, Dickhead, Asian *beep*, f*ckturd, Wanker or a Towel-Head anywhere today!

[Corzza]

NORVEGIAN DIET

Ole was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,

and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 Kg."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 Kg!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded... "I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop

dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor..

"Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin!"

[Corzza]

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, "What's the matter

now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little

Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I

know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like

that. Why didn't you just laugh?

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

[Corzza]

Garbage man looking around walks up to resident in Regent St, Redfern.

Garbo: "Hey, where's ya bin?"

Resident: "I bin on holiday."

Garbo: "No, where's ya wheelie bin?"

Resident: "Okay, I wealy bin in jail."

[Corzza]

At a local Winery cellar door, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires

three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."