Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, "My pen*s died."

Deciding to humor him, the girl says "Oh, poor baby. I'm sorry to hear that."

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

"Mr. Smith!" she cries. "I thought you said your pen*s had died!"

"It did. Today's the viewing."

[Corzza]

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow slightly larger every day over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[Corzza]

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."

"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."

"Then show me," replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."

"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."

"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Buf-Phoon]

"The saying goes that revenge is a dish best served cold. Rudd has decided that it’s a dish best served gradually.

because of Labor’s failure to resolve the Rudd question last year, Gillard is being served a degustation menu of bite-sized sh*t sandwiches, and they will be dished up on a regular basis over the coming two years. "

Thanks to David Penberthy of the Daily Telegraph

[Corzza]

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."

[Corzza]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms—Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies. "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold, of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver?"

"Why silver?" asks the man. 

"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."

[Rootster]

This is an sms I received today..

Did I like Fark another to it send retard farking a like this reading time arse sweet your took you since..

(now read it backwards)

[Corzza]

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. 

The pharmacist says, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes get big and he says, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says, "Ohhhh. Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[Corzza]

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

[Corzza]

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,

so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Ohio back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical male I

didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy

had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt

badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave

and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else

to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out

my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never

played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept,

we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say "Sweet Mother of Jesus,

I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."