Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch at 12.01 A.M. on Friday.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... 'A pumpkin? (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent) ... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

[Corzza]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like ayoung girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man andasks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says."

90!"

replies the woman.

"Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

[Corzza]

blonde and the bowling ball

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.A2: You can't fit the blonde in the bowling ball.A3: There is no difference.

They're both round and have three holes to poke.A4: You don't eat your bowling ball.

[Corzza]

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot.

"That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[Corzza]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"

[Corzza]

A wild rabbit is captured and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."

"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."

The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.

As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."

"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"

"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."

[Corzza]

A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.

"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."

"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."

[Corzza]

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." 

Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 

"What's it telling you now?" 

"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties…" 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" 

The man exclaims, "Damn—it must be broken again. It's always running an hour fast!"

[Corzza]

Brad, a local beachgoer, couldn't even get a second look from any of the girls on the beach. So he headed over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard had any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," said the lifeguard. "You're wearing those gnarly old swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to get yourself a Speedo—say, two sizes too small—and drop a potato inside it. You'll have all the babes you can handle."

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his brand-spanking-new tight Speedo and his potato, and it's not long before he approaches the lifeguard tower once more.

"For cryin' out loud," said Brad, "it's worse than before! Everyone on the beach acts disgusted as I walk by—covering their faces, turning away, laughing! What's wrong now?"

"Jeez, Brad!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

[Corzza]

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head "No."

He asked "Can ya breathe?"

Still gasping she again shook her head "No."

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya know, it's amazin' -- that hind-lick maneuver always works!"