Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and

was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their wives at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room,

"and Gentlemen, remember, You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

[Corzza]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it

and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week

and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it

and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and

that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[Corzza]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice. Have a good day

and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Edited 24/05/11 09:01 PM by Corzza

[Corzza]

Interesting news out of the Pentagon........

After Osama's body was removed from his compound, the SEALs also removed a whole heap of classified information which has helped uncover some of the truth behind major events, including the 9/11 attacks.

According to information received from these documents, September 11 was actually caused by two irish builders installing doors on the 20th floor. When one of them asked the other to 'grab a plane and take a bit off the top', all hell broke loose.

[Corzza]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, "it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

[Corzza]

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job" said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Falcon" I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one" she said.

"My point exactly."

**********************

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

**********************

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

**********************

Glanced through a window today and thought I saw a sheep pole dancing.

On closer inspection it was a kebab shop!

[Corzza]

Johnny is a very wise and funny young boy and a good listener too.

One day his teacher gave a class test like this:

a) 7+5=

b) 19-8=

c) 8+8=

And Johnny wrote his answers:

a) 7+5= *****

b) 19-8= *****

c) 8+8= *****

After marking the test, the teacher quite amused called Johnny and said: 'Can you please explain to the class how you got

your answers'

Johnny stood up, smiled and said: 'That's very simple. In Bible school we've learnt that ***** is always the answer.'

Have a lovely day always remember Johnny's answers !!! .

Edited 26/05/11 09:24 PM by Corzza

[Corzza]

James Bond's wedding cake?

[Corzza]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

'Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?'

'None,' replied Johnny, 'cause the rest would fly away'.

'Well, the answer is four,' said the teacher, 'but I like the way you are thinking'.

Little Johnny said, 'I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop..one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone...which one is married?'

'Well,' said the techer nervously, 'I guess the one sucking the cone?'

'No,' said little Johnny. 'The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking'.

[Corzza]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend homework was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold biscuits and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,

"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent)!"

Then I would say, "It is dog (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent). Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something sh*tty for free and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."