Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St.Peter asks the first girl,

"Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

"St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.

"St.Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one.

"St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls.

One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her @ss in it!

[Guest XR09]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's-a-n-d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit. <BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

The teacher then says, ‘Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''<BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break">

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b-o-x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says, ‘Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -

I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

[Turbo6FG]

http://bigpondnews.com/articles/OddSpot/2011/02/26/Breast_milk_ice-cream_is_a_hit_in_London_582138.html

[Turbo6FG]

DON CHERRY Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car

battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will

save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet”

[Corzza]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?__._,_.__

[Corzza]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd not gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief ,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130m/h

'So bust him,' says the Chief .

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief : ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief : 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief , 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[dre]

I like reading your jokes corzza but it's not funny when you post it a second time.

[Turbo6FG]

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to Him.

He visits the Dr. Once a year for his checkup, and again during the year If any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required Of him. He thinks it's his god given right !

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, Someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by Others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head, like a ton of bricks...............

.......My dog is an Illegal Immigrant!!!!!

[Turbo6FG]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Good Golly", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[Turbo6FG]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned...your neighbour from 40 miles away...having a party Friday...thought you might like to come...about 5."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you....there's gonna be some drinkin'"

"Not a problem...after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops.

"More'n likely going to be some fightin', too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Ned turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now, that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says,

"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."