Joke Of The Day

[Guest XR09]

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Australian cricketers?

Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

And why isn`t there anybody drinking bottles of wine in Oz right now ?

Because they don`t have any openers….

Q what do you get if you cross the Australian cricket team with an Oxo cube?

A A laughing stock!

Q. What is the height of optimism?

A. An Australian batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Jimmy Anderson be if he was Australian?

A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the Australian coach?

A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why don't Australian fielders need pre tour travel injections?

A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the Australian version of LBW?

A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call an Australian with 100 runs against his name?

A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Ponting?

A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad?

A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. What do Australian batsmen and drug addicts have in common?

A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come

from.

Q. Why are Australian cricketers cleverer than Houdini?

A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Ryan Harris put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost

always takes a wicket?

A. A bat

[Guest XR09]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your golf game I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately it’s not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from the shops and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake..

The garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XX

Ps Your girlfriend called

[Corzza]

Top this for a speeding ticket...

Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 800Kph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a Williamtown FA-18 fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

Fortunately the pilot flying the Hornet recognised the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Thank you for your enquiry.”

[Guest XR09]

shame the pilot wasn't texting his girfriend at the time.

[Buf-Phoon]

You know we're going badly when the Poms start recycling the jokes we've made about them for years

Good to see the Aussies in fancy dress on the 4th and 5th days of the tests… dressed as plastic seats.

Clarke wanted to captain the Australians very badly. And now he has done that.

Breaking News.....The ICC are investigating worrying reports of irregular betting patterns during the 5th Test at Sydney. Some people backed Australia

Australia still has world class spinners. There's the redback, the funnel web...

+++

Which Aussie cricket spent the most time at the crease? Whoever ironed the cricket whites

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any openers

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired

What do you call an Aussie holding a six inch urn above his head? The England bowling coach

What is the definaition of optimism? An Aussie batsman with suncream on

How do you help an Aussie Cricket getting 100 runs by his name? Give him the ball to bowl

What does the Aussie wicketkeeper and Michael Jackson have in common? They both wear gloves for no apparent reason

[matt036]

Not to intrude on your post but here's a couple more I thought were amusing;

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian Innings.

Whats the difference between Ricky Ponting and a Phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

On his way out to the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and team mate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to bat. His wife replies: "I'll hold, he won't be long!"

[Guest XR09]

ALL GIRL BIKER BAR

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Corzza]

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[Corzza]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[Corzza]

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started

looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It's red

wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in

steel containers."

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass.

"It's red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak

barrels."

"Correct."

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you

don't give me the job, I'll also tell who's the father!"

The man was hired on the spot!!!!