Joke Of The Day

[Guest XR09]

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.

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The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

[Guest XR09]

American Flag. $25

Petrol $2

Cigarette Lighter $2

Catching yourself on fire because you are a terrorist asshole...... Priceless

[Guest XR09]

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

Q. Whats the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?

A: 45 minutes

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Edited 27/11/10 10:09 PM by XR09

[Turbo6FG]

Some of those are gold XR09!

Q. What's round & fights with muslims?

A. The world.

[Corzza]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high; you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.

Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

'But we didn't use them," I said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[Corzza]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop

and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and

you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.

[Guest XR09]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting

sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,

"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[Corzza]

A Father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding

A quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The

father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,

shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business

suit

is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a

cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her

coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up

from her seat and makes h ER way unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the

boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first and then

ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy

convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly

catches it in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and

walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father

rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen

anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a

doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."

[Guest XR09]

Not really a joke...but a good laugh

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

An illegal immigrant in Polk County Florida, who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: 'Because that's all the ammunition we had.' Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer, or what!

The Coroner also reported that the illegal immigrant died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (QUOTE of 2010) "when you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die!"

[Corzza]

What's the difference between a Coffin and a Condom?

Although they both carry stiff's, one is used for coming and the other is for going