Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6FG]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an ipod for hers .

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started......

[Turbo6FG]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This

too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her

little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Turbo6FG]

Q. What do the starship enterprise and toilet

paper have in common?

A, They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons

[Turbo6FG]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done #&$&$ all but moan since you've been here.'

[Turbo6FG]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

[Turbo6FG]

An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra. 'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist 'But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

'I am 96' said the old man. ‘I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.'

[Turbo6FG]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'

[Turbo6FG]

First day on the job a trainee dialled the kitchen extension and shouted down the phone, " Get me a F.....g cup of coffee QUICKLY".

Voice from the other end said,

You fool, you`ve dialled the wrong extension, do you know who you`re talking to!!"

" No " replied the trainee.

" Its the managing director. Idiot"

Trainee shouted back, " And do you know who you are f.....g talking to, you f.....g idiot!!"

" No " replied the director, indignantly.

" Thank f..k for that" replied the trainee, and slammed down the phone.

[Turbo6FG]

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Guest XR09]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery'.

'What's dat', asks his mate?

'Send me lawn away to be cut!'