Joke Of The Day

[4DZILR]

hahahahahaha! The last one... absolute best!

[Guest XR09]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in

Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as

she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man

here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the

end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter

and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned

to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the

same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and

said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your

business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep

calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to

be a ballerina!

[FPV6T]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess . . . . 'Will you marry me?'

The Princess said ‘NO!!!'

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and

hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank

and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[FPV6T]

A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding

on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,

standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you

Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

[Corzza]

Good one!!!

[Dagabond]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!"

[FPV6T]

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

The second woman responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” replied the first woman. “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

[Corzza]

Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden.

Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground.

"You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man.

Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.

After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.

"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.

Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar.

"Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."

"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"

[Guest XR09]

01. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

02. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

03. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

04. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

05. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

06. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

07 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

08. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

09. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Rootster]

A train hits a bus of xr6 turbo forum members and they all perish.At the gates of heaven St peter asks the guys whether they have ever had contact with a pen*s..The first guy reg giggles and says,he once touched the tip of one with his finger...Peter asks reg to dip the finger into holy water...

The next guy stevo says he once fondled nicks...so sticks his hand in the holy water

Suddenly there is a commotion and one guy tab pushes to the front..Tab whats the rush? ask's peter...He replies I want to gargle that holy water before jamie sticks his arse in it..............

Edited 18/08/10 09:18 AM by Rootster