Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

_n_ppr_pr_t_

Can I buy a bowel please baby John?

[buzn]

Q. Wats better than eating a mandarin?

A. Eating amanda out

Q. How does a butcher introduce his wife?

A. Meet Pattie

Q. Wat did the 0 say to the 8?

A. Nice belt

[Corzza]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer'. The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after 'Beer' is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click here: http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

[FPV6T]

Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to

place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack

of underwear.

Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any,' she replied.

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,

'For the sake of decency, here's 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's 20.

Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt

over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jasus Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says

'Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[FPV6T]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

''What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom,

comes back and round two was even better than The First time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

[FPV6T]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during sex?

I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[FPV6T]

Here's China's Little Johnny"

doing what all Little Johnnys do best. . . . .

A guy is walking down the street and sees

Little Johnny

smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.

The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"

Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!?

When did you start smoking?"

Johnny replies,

"Right after the first time I had sex."

"Right after the first time you had sex?

When was that?"

Little Johnny answers,

"I don't remember.

I was drunk"

[FPV6T]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.

In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at Ulladulla in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.

KEEP SMILING!!!

[Panda Eyes]

how to explain to women what the offside rule is:

Edited 23/06/10 07:40 AM by fordriver1

[Dagabond]

Senior health care solution

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Centrelink workers – not necessarily dead!

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison for life !where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, and all the health care you need! New teeth - no problem. Need glasses, great. New hips, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? A Gym with all Facilities ,All free and All covered. (And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?