Can Best Friends Ever Be Life-time Partners?

[Dr Z]

You may have been there before or if not, no doubt you know someone who has, so share your stories.

You have been friends with a member of the opposite sex for a few years. You soon become best friends and share your most intimate life details with each other. There is NO sexual chemistry yet, if ever, because you see her as a sister and/or she sees you as a brother. You may have even talked about that or joked around, though sexual chemistry could be possible given the high levels of emotional intimacy. You spend almost all of your available free time together hanging out and it feels totally natural doing that. Neither of you are attached to anyone, and though you both have opportunities to go out with others, you keep turning these offers down for the last few years so that neither of you have been on a date with anyone else. You cannot imagine enjoying any social event without that person there though you dont see them as a date. You refer to each other as Twin Soulmates because you anticipate each other's wants and needs so much and are always on the same wavelength. Then all of a sudden, something dawns on you and start pondering possibilities...

OK, share any good or bad stories with all the details.

[Buf-Phoon]

Dr Z , mate I think you better give it a hit ole son

[HellionXR6T]

I hope not...

Nahh, honestly as long as it won't ruin a lifetime friendship with this person, that would be my main concern regarding what you've explained.

Relationships can kinda do that. :love: =

[markxr6t]

I experienced a very similar thing. We even used to regularly sleep in the same bed without doing it - though no-one ever believed us! I then met someone who I had lots of sexual chemistry with (who I'm now married to and have 3 kids with) and unfortunately the "soulmate" friendship ended - it had to!

I couldn't be happier in my life now and I look back on my soulmate relationship with great fondness but no regrets of how things now are.

Mate - don't think too much, do what your heart tells you. Love and relationships are all about risk. Choose a path and go with it. People often regret not doing things but rarely regret having a go. As much as it feels like it now, your current soulmate situation won't always be the same as it is right now - things always evolve and change.

Good luck and do what feels right.

Mark

[Paradoxx]

Well said Mark, you can never determin what will happen in 10 years, 1 year, a month!! Being a youngin myself, I was certain that I was in a relationship that would last for a long time if not forever... but it ended a few months ago. We were still best mates but that closeness was too hard to deal with when someone else was getting the benefits of it. We haven't ended our friendship, but we aren't in contact much out of the fact it's too damn hard.

In my opinion if you have talked about it and both agree on something, you will either make it work for the rest of your life, or you will continue in your current situation. Do you really want to be wondering "what if" in 10 years?

Dunno if what I'm saying makes any sense, but it sounds like you should be together!

[Macktheknife]

If you are pondering the possibilities, then you've got to explore them to their end.

If the soulmate thing is strong, It'll survive a bit of a push.

Dont bloody die wondering......Nothing ventured nothing gained.

[ZAP]

I had a girl at school that was my best friend. We used to talk as brother / sister and never felt a sexual attraction to eachother. After we left school, we had a go, but it felt wrong. We are still good friends, she is now married with 2 kids and so am I.

Dr Z, I know of people who had a similar situation and then got married and have been the happiest couple.

It is worth a go, if you are best friends and it does not work out, you should be able to keep the friendship.

You will never know unless you try.

You will know she is the one pretty quickly.

[jordak]

Having been married for 9 years (mental note re 10yr anniversary) the most important thing required to get through the ups and downs is a friendship built on respect and trust.

If those attributes are strong in your current relationship sounds to me that you have a solid base to build upon so give it a go

[Dr Z]

I am going through a messy separation and divorce with my wife. My wife of 7 years wants me back. I dont want to go back because of lack of respect, love, compassion etc but what a tragic tale. Cut a long story short...part of the reason I have been so quiet here lately...actually, wanted to share this with all of you at some stage, may as well be now...this TRUE STORY hurts badly.. I hope writing and reading this can add some value to your life in some way. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than you...

* 20th November 2004. While I was overseas teaching, my wife went into labour at 22 weeks. We lost our first-born boy, had to name him, bury him etc. My wife blamed my "friend" for loss of baby because she wanted to "compete" with her. When my wife was pregnant, my wife stopped training at gym and TKD, both Black Belts, so my wife suggested my friend & I keep training together. So we did. But when I was overseas, my wife was feeling especially hormonal, fat etc so at 22 weeks, jumps on a treadmill at gym, then does TKD patterns etc. Her heart monitor exceeds safe levels for pregnancy etc. She ONLY went there to remind my friend that she was "top b**ch" with me (her words) because she was insanely jealous of our connection, even though it was purely platonic. A few days earlier, wife had shortness of breath but didnt go to the Doctor to get checked out. Next day, wife gets her first massage to feel better, which as she said, seemed to stimulate her almost as much as the exercise. 3 days later, body is so stimulated, we lose our baby boy.

* Stricken with post-natal depression because she went through labour and grief, my wife is convinced I am going to leave her for my friend. I never gave this indication at all. Since my friend is also 10 years younger than my wife, (12 years younger than me), my wife is convinced I am going through a mid-life crisis and will run away with this young girl in my hotted up XR6T etc. Actually, it never entered my mind, until she mentioned it. My mother, who was 69 years old (only surviving family member in my life) lived with us. My wife convinced my mother I was going to run away with this young girl etc. My mother lost 7 boys before having me due to blood incompatibility problems with my father, some were still-born, some lasted up to 96 hours etc. I was the 8th child. My mother almost died having me staying nearly 12 months in hospital. My mother was present at wife's birth and had to re-live HER experience all over again while going through the pain of my wife's experience while I rushed home on first available plane. My friend stayed away during this period because I told her that my wife had unfounded concerns about us etc. Anyway, both my wife and mother were incredibly depressed. My wife took time off work and began a slow process of depressing my mother further, which I did not know about at the time.

* 23rd January 2005. Typical Sunday morning sleep-in. Go downstairs. My wife calls my name in a heart-wrenching cry. I rush outside with the deepest fear all over only to find my mother hanging by a rope in our BBQ/pergola area. There are NO words that could even begin to explain this feeling. I would not wish this on my worst enemy!

* It is clear to me Mum is dead from taking her own life. Ambulance seems to take forever. We try CPR but there was no pulse etc.

* Police arrive. We are devastated. Wife turns to me and says "you and your *beep* killed your mother!". Wow, like I need this right now. Wife's mother arrives. She rushes in and within inches off my face...I was thinking she was going to hug and console me, she screams "you killed your mother you bas*ard...you and your D I C K.." OMG, is this really happening? When do I wake up from this nightmare? Wife retorts with "Hope she was worth it" etc. Police take wife and her mum away to cool down. Wife grabs phone and rings my friend and screams "You killed our baby and Mother you *beep*. Die and go to hell. I am going to kill you..." etc. Police take wife away to calm her down.

* I cannot describe this feeling of finding out your wife's and mother-in-laws "true colours" when I most needed compassion, love and support. Oh, but it gets worse. Turns out my mother told my wife she was depressed and wanted to kill herself. She left a voice message on wife's mobile phone the day before. My wife decided not to tell me about it at all. The night before my mother's fateful decision, my wife, mother and I were watching TV as usual, my mother a little more quiet than usual. My wife says nothing to my mother or me at all. I can only presume my mother assumed that my wife talked to me about wanting to end her life but I didnt care enough to say anything. So I guess, my mother must have thought "well, not even my son loves me anymore..best I go now". So my wife could have stopped it? Maybe. She could have talked to either of us? Yes. But she didnt? No. So instead she blames my friend for my mother's suicide and loss of baby? Yes. In short, you can understand how I could never return to my wife after this, given it was quite patchy for a few years anyway. No love + no respect + no trust = no marriage.

* I take a lot of time off work. Work is very understanding about this. I have NO other family in Australia being only child and father passing away some 12 years earlier. I am abandoned by wife and mother-in-law and her family based on unfounded suspicion during my hour of greatest need. I go from being a husband, son, son-in-law and potential father...to having NO identity of any family belonging at all. I grow closer to my best friend, platonic only, even up until today.

* 6th August 2005. We sell our house as part of our separation. I repeatedly tell my wife not to pack my mother's belongings because I would do that with my family friends. What do I find? My wife has packed my mother's belongings in boxes and leaves it by the door. I live with my "Best man" 800 metres up the road during separation process, but upon seeing this, I choke up getting very emotional. I decide not to drive to my "best man's" place but go for a drive to clear my head. I was not speeding, just wanted to drive away bad feelings. Silly on reflection. It was nearly 1:00am early Saturday morning. Coming back along freeway I have an urgent need to go to the toilet. Only 3 minutes from home. I know I am speeding, but choked up and desperately needing to go, despite my better judgement and on 3 separate occasions, my gut feeling telling me to slow down, I get caught by Highway Patrol doing 205km/hr in a 110 km/hr zone. WOW. I thought I was only dong about 130 or so. Amazing. Summary of this: went to Court. No Section 10 given despite all the circumstances, outstanding driving record etc. Police Prosecutor opposes Magistrate considering Section 10. I am charged with "speed in a manner dangerous" and though Magistrate wanted to give a much lower sentence, by statute law, the minimum is 12 months. I will not get to drive my beloved T until 5th August 2006.

* In the meantime, my best friend has meant the world to me and has been there for me in every way, even helping with shopping, cooking, driving me to training, everywhere. Perhaps I am seeing her more as a "Florence Nightingale" or something but there is definitely a "Saviour" or "Angel" complex happening here. Yes, she is 12 years younger than me. Yes, she has been asked out by other guys but she keeps turning them down. She has not dated in over 2 years. I have not dated this year turning down offers. OK, I went on a few but did not feel any vibe at all. I know I am emotionally vulnerable now. Grief is like the ocean. Sometimes it is calm, sometimes it hits like a Tsunami. At 39 I need to rebuild my life but I cannot risk blowing away the best connection I have ever made in my life with a dumb guy pass at my friend. Everyone assumes we are a couple. Heck, she even came on my frrst and only FordXR6Turbo cruise. We cannot go a day without contact with each other. It does not feel right. Timing is everything. Timing does not feel right yet. I still have to finalise financial settlement and divorce. But yes, the possibilities are now being pondered..

Rebuilding my life, one day at a time after feeling like the Cosmic Universe dumped its smelly load all over me...but, that fertilizer is now helping me grow in ways I could never have previously imagined...coming back better than ever like a Phoenix rising from the Ashes..

Thanks for reading.

[Flukey]

Mate, all I can say is F*ckin Hell , you poor bas*ard.

This isnt going to help but I learnt pretty quickly that trying to be close friends with a female friend once married, was not going to work. I was very close to one girl who slowly drifted away once I was married.

Women dont believe men can be close to a woman and not want to sleep with them. I partly agree I think

Chin up, life will get better.