I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. So I rang up Telstra, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again". So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. So I was in BiLo and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". So a truck-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here" Dyslexic man walks into a bra A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "a schooner please, and one for the road." A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel at Christmas and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to thefactory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul's leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE. Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl. "That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?" "No problem", said Paul,.................(scroll down) This one is worth waiting for.................................... "I'm an ex-tractor fan"
